We have come full circle

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I have started to watch you sleep again.

I didn’t realise I was doing it, but it’s gradually dawned on me. Things have changed, again.

No longer am I disturbed from a book, or my notes, or the washing

No longer does the sound of you crying out for “mama” echo through the monitor

Because I am sat there, with you, watching you as you rouse, blurry eyed, smiling, reaching for me.

It feels like we’ve come full circle, but this time I am choosing to sit next to you as nap.

I recall the times when I had to hold you, here in our darkened room, as you cat napped your 45 minutes.

In those days I longed to be able to put you down, to walk away, to read, to write, to wash. People said, “She’ll get there. She’ll sleep alone. You’ll get your time back”,

And I did.

I have cooked and eaten hot meals, savouring each bite, not having to share. I have  taken long showered, languishing in the warm water. I have watched films, lists collated over the past 2 years. And I have cleaned the house.

I have reveled in two hours to myself

My time

My only time all day

But here I am again, shunning the books, ditching the writing pad, leaving the dishes congealing in the sink.

But I choose this

I watch you sleep again, because I know these days are numbered. This time is coming to a close. Soon there will be no more naps. What do I choose to cherish, to take with me on our continuing journey, from this treasured time of afternoon rest?

Not the book time

Not the writing space

Not the clean kitchen

But the sight and sound of your sleep.

The peace on your face, the sweaty hair, the drool on chin.

You still breathe from your tummy, like a baby. Your whole body using the breath to make you grow, make you strong.

It is this I now choose during those quiet times. I feel like I didn’t take any notice or pay close enough attention in those early days, when I wanted escape, wanted to be needed less, wanted to have my time.

I try now to capture your naps, be close to you as you dream, as I know one day very soon it will just stop.

And there will no more naps….just…like…that…

So now my time is your time again. My choosing. You are my time.

We have come full circle.

I have started to watch you sleep again



It’s a Purple Dragon!

Hard rubbish collection in January may well make the pavements very difficult to traverse with an inquisitive (read- nosy) two-year old, but what a brilliant idea for the start of the year. If there is one thing that really helps the flow of good chi through your home, it’s getting rid of all that stuff that is past its best, broken or outgrown. I actually love getting rid of stuff, much to hubby’s dismay. I have a fear of clutter and collections. Bric-a-brac and ‘keep just in case’ make me nauseous . We have been holding on to Little M’s high chair since she refused to get back in it over six months ago. It’s been kept, just in case, we can persuade her to sit in it again. It is in some vain hope that we will be able to strap her down to eat, instead of this random roaming approach to meal times she has recently developed. It is, however,  strange how excited she gets when we are out in cafe’s and she sees a high chair. She can’t wait to try it for size. But with hard rubbish collection this week, I bit the bullet and put out the high chair. Continue reading “It’s a Purple Dragon!”

Where White Owl gone?

We were up and in the garden before 6am today. Little M. was adamant that we get out as soon as possible to look at the White Owl.

“What White Owl baby?”

“White Owl by the window. Outside the window. Oh, Where White Owl gone?” with little palms raised up in searching.

Is this the start of toddler dreams, or has Little M. found her own little spirit guide?

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